"Or you are abominably wicked;
You are a toad."
And after I had thought of it,
I said, "I will, then, be a toad."
- Stephen Crane -
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God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule.
“I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important,” said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. “I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?”
“But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody’s spouting off some nonsense about, ‘God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it’s God’s will,’” God continued. “It’s not God’s will, all right? News flash: ‘God’s will’ equals ‘Don’t murder people.’”
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an.
“To be honest, there’s some contradictory stuff in there, okay?” God said. “So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it’s God’s will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall.”
I am not religious, but this is relevant as fuck. God bless the Onion.
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Losing my religion:
“So are you religious?” said the man in the funky, multi-coloured hat.
“No,” said I.
“Oh, so you are an atheist.” He smiled.
“I suppose.”
“You suppose?”
“I suppose.”
“You don’t know for sure?”
“Do you mean do I know of the existence of God for sure? No I don’t.”
“Do you know he doesn’t exist?”
“No.”
“So then you are agnostic.”
“I suppose.”
“Well which is it?”
“Why does it matter?”
“Well your view of life depends on the your idea of God.”
“It does not.”
“What? Yes it does. If you believe in God, you will follow his rules for a reward of heavenly pleasure. If not, then you will fuck it all.”
“But morality does not equal God.”
“What?”
“How I live my life is up to me, and my own justifications, not a God.”
“But what if at the end of your life God sends you to eternal damnation because you didn’t live by his rules?”
“Then I will be eternally damned.”
“But wouldn’t it be better to be safe in following God’s rules in case he does exist so you’re not eternally damned.”
“No. I will follow my own rules. As logically and reasonably as I set them for myself. If some of them coincide with God’s rules, okay. If not, so be it.”
Then he scratched his head in annoyance, opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again and walked away in frustration.
Oh well…
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Noah’s Ark in modern days:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. “Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.” Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah!” He shouted. “Where is the Ark?” “Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft’. And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it’s a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?” “No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government already has.” —- I’m not religious, but this has to be the funniest joke I’ve ever heard. Had a good chuckle. =P
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me take the 2 owls.
I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.”
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So, Christian Dior is a God among men, what else is new?
I WANT ALL OF THE ABOVE.
(Source: style.com)
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"Look, I don’t know whether God exists. I don’t know that. And I tell you one thing, I am not frightened of my beliefs. If there is a God who is threatening me with damnation because I don’t believe in Him, so be it. I’ve lived my life in conscience, and I will suffer damnation willingly in conscience against a tyrannical God who would damn me because, on the basis of the intelligence He gave me, I have come to a conclusion doubting His existence, and I will continue to be a skeptic all of my life."
Alan Dershowitz